It would be a good idea for you to check the
mezuzos in your bedroom, as well as to check your
tefillin. Also, you should occupy yourself with due diligence and energy regarding finding a
shidduch, so too with regard to your business.
With regard to the first matter, [i.e., with regard to a shidduch] - as I have already written to you in the past - do not be overly finicky.
You may also comfortably rely on the elders of Anash sheyichyu, particularly, as they are older, seeing as the verse states that "the multitude of years makes known wisdom."[1]
This is especially so, since they can look at the matter objectively, while the individual who is personally involved may sometimes only view the matter subjectively.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VII, p. 291)
In response to your letter of the 15th of Kislev in which you write regarding various suggestions for a
shidduch:
To the extent that I know the Temimim students - and as I have also told your father shlita - there are to be found among the Temimim many individuals in whom one can consider and interest oneself with regard to a shidduch. I therefore do not understand why it should at all be necessary to go and seek [a shidduch] elsewhere.
Understandably, since no human being is absolutely perfect - only G-d is absolutely perfect - it follows that the same is true with regard to the students. It is thus possible for people to find some qualities that are lacking in an individual, preventing him from being perfect.
However, as I have just said, the same [lack of perfection] is true regarding all individuals. All the same, [these imperfections notwithstanding,] people do get married and live happy and contented lives.
If, with regard to all other matters in life, one first seeks that which is most crucial and only then looks for that which is [of] secondary [importance], surely then this is so with regard to a shidduch, something which is of major importance for one's entire life.
Surely one should not forego that which is most crucial and vital and begin the test [of whether the individual is worth considering as a possibility for a shidduch] with that which is the most trifling and inconsequential - and possibly even more trivial than that.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVI, p. 151)
In response to your letter of the 11th of Menachem Av, in which you write that a
shidduch is being suggest with
HaRav HaChassid ... According to my opinion, this suggestion is entirely appropriate.
Concerning your statement that possibly G-d will provide a young man [not from Anash] who is both a great Torah scholar and possesses exceedingly fine character traits:
There is the well-known saying of my father-in-law, the Rebbe, of blessed memory, that "Our ziburyos ['mediocrity'] is better than their idiyos ['best']." Surely, then, our idiyos is better than their "idiyos shebi'idiyos ['best of the best']."
May it be G-d's will that the uniting of "invei hagefen" with "invei hagefen" take place in a good and auspicious hour, and serve as an amply broad vessel to receive all manner of good.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. III, p. 371)
Surely, a
shidduch with a student of Beis Rivkah is entirely desirable, as the very fact that she attends this institution is indicative of her good quality and her
Yiras Shomayim. Moreover, she attended there with the agreement of her parents, thereby indicating the measure of
Yiras Shomayim of her parents as well.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVI, p. 101)
In response to your undated letter in which you write that a
shidduch is being suggested to you with ... It is obvious from your letter that you have not yet made a decision one way or the other - although the "faults" that you enumerate do not seem to me to be faults.
However, I was perplexed by your writing that the [young lady's] observance of kashrus and Shabbos is a given. Does this [level of observance] possibly suffice for the daughter of a Tamim and for a young man who is a Tamim? Then again, it is almost certain that this is but a result of your glumness (marah shechorah).
Therefore, it is my considered suggestion that you meet once and again, at which time it will possibly become clear to you whether you are drawn to the shidduch or not.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VIII, p. 285)
In reply to your letter of the 21st of Shevat in which you write about the
shidduch that is being suggested for your daughter ...
tichyeh, with the young man, Mr. ...
sheyichyeh:
If among the Temimim and Anash there truly is nothing suitable for her, there is also not too much of a difference in their ages, and your daughter is agreeable to this suggestion, then it would be advisable to bring this [shidduch] about.
May G-d lead all of you in the path that is best for your daughter, both materially and spiritually.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XXI, p. 194)
With regard to your question whether you should see to it [that your daughter, notwithstanding her difficulties in finding a proper
shidduch, should] engage in a
shidduch only with a
Tamim:
I don't find favor with this exacting attitude. [A shidduch need not necessarily be only with a Tamim] as long as it is possible to transform him into a Tamim - which is to say that the young man is capable of establishing set times for the study of Nigleh [the revealed portion of Torah] and Chassidus, as well as conduct himself in the path of Chassidism and follow Chassidic customs.
When this transpires, it is to be hoped that with proper influence from your daughter and the influence of Anash sheyichyu, he will be transformed into a Tamim.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VI, p. 72)
Obviously you are correct in that which you write that you do not demand of those who are being suggested as a potential
shidduch for your daughter, that they must learn
Toras HaChassidus as a precondition for the
shidduch, etc.
In our times, Yiras Shomayim inevitably leads to following the teachings of Chassidus as well as observing its mode of behavior and customs. With the passage of time, this also leads to the study of Toras HaChassidus.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XI, p. 96.)
Notes:
- (Back to text) Iyov 32:7.
Modesty in All Matters Relating to a Shidduch and a Wedding