... It is self-understood that when I will be on the holy resting place of my father-in-law, the Rebbe, I will mention Mr. ... and his wife for a blessing of
Shalom Bayis.
We need remember though that which is most essential: it is imperative that there exist in them "Shalom Bayis" between soul and body [i.e., the spiritual "husband and wife"]. This immeasurably enhances and makes it easier for Shalom Bayis to reign in their home.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. V, p. 225)
You mention in your letter the problems of
Shalom Bayis that exist in the home of Mr. and Mrs. ...
It must be explained to the father that which I had already written to him when the shidduch was still under discussion, that the couple must establish their home on proper Torah foundations. This is of vital importance not only to their spiritual well-being and happiness, but to their physical well-being and happiness as well. Truly this is so, and whether they understand it or not makes very little difference.
For it is similar to following the directives of an esteemed physician. One benefits thereby even when one does not know why the doctor has so ordered. How much more so, when it is a command of the Creator of the world, who is also the Healer of all flesh.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. V, p. 224)
... So that the shared intimate life may be entirely wholesome, it is necessary to strictly observe the laws and regulations of
Taharas Hamishpachah.
For although these laws require separation for a certain period of time, this distancing has the effect of bringing the couple closer together in the time that follows. However, closeness during the time when separation is mandated results in separateness when there should be closeness.
Thus, in the majority of cases, true harmony and peace in married life are directly related to the observance of the laws and regulations of Taharas Hamishpachah.
(From a letter of the Rebbe, written in the year 5733)
In reply to your letter about Mrs. ...
tichye, who does not have
Shalom Bayis, and the blame is being placed on her mother-in-law's frequent taxing and aggravating visits to their home, etc.:
It is almost certain that this [Shalom Bayis problem] is because there are matters of Taharas Hamishpachah [laws of family purity] that are in need of rectification. For in addition to all other untoward matters that result from a lack of scrupulous observance of Taharas Hamishpachah, the above [difficulty of Shalom Bayis] is included as well.
This is in keeping with the statement of our Sages (Niddah 31b) that the laws of Taharas Hamishpachah were given in order for the wife to be beloved to her husband as on the day of their marriage. [It thus follows that a lack of observance of these laws leads to a lack of love between husband and wife - problems of Shalom Bayis.] Understandably, this is in addition to the effects [that a lack of observance of these laws has] on the children, etc., etc.
It is my hope that you will find the right words to explain to her parents all that was stated above. Experience has taught us that the less discomfited one is [in transmitting these matters and laws,] the more all parties are satisfied in the end - although, as is self-understood, it must be transmitted in a gentle manner.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. IX, p. 302)
It would seem that your conduct with regard to
Taharas Hamishpachah has been improper, and as a result, damage has accrued to the two of you.
Hopefully, you will come to this realization (through having others explain this to you - and [better yet,] possibly on your own).
Thus you will both realize that this alone [i.e., your lack of proper conduct with regard to Taharas Hamishpachah] is the sole reason for the change of feelings towards each other. Separation and the like is [therefore] not the answer [and the proper resolution of your difficulties].
You are to rectify and repent for your misdeeds - and [bear in mind that] one cannot flee from G-d. Rather, you must from now on particularly act with precisely correct conduct as regards your married life....
(From a handwritten response of the Rebbe)[1]
In reply to your letter from
Erev Shabbos Kodesh in which you ask for a blessing and offer a
Pidyon Nefesh for your sister
tichye [who is having problems with
Shalom Bayis]:
At an auspicious time I shall read the Pidyon Nefesh at the holy resting place of my father-in-law, the Rebbe. May G-d will it that just as you were the one who made the request [for a blessing that the Shalom Bayis situation improve], so too may you be able to convey glad tidings with regard to the above [i.e., that the Shalom Bayis situation has improved].
You will surely forgive me for the lines that follow, but I feel obliged to note that very often the lack of peace - especially between a Jewish husband and wife - comes as a result of closeness that is improper according to our Torah, the Torah of Life.
This is in keeping with the phrase,[2] "Your evil shall castigate you," i.e., that the [iniquitous] conduct itself serves as chastisement, by clearly demonstrating that the consequences of such behavior are entirely opposite of that which was hoped for and expected.
Understandably, it is difficult for me to go on at length about such a matter, particularly with regard to people whom I don't know personally. Nevertheless, as stated above, I find it obligatory to underscore the above.
This is especially so, since it is quite possible that the matter that requires rectification stems from a lack of knowledge [of the pertinent laws], or the matter requiring rectification may be of Rabbinic origin and not an explicit Torah prohibition. It is self-understood, though, that in reality this is not an excuse, since "The words of the Rabbis are even sweeter' than the words of the [written] Torah."[3]
Since all matters should also be accomplished by way of natural means, therefore, in light of the fact that all human beings are capable of being influenced by others, it would be appropriate to find an individual who is capable of influencing them with regard to the Above [i.e., with regard to strengthening their observance of the laws of family purity].
[Moreover, the chances of success in influencing them to strengthen their observance and thereby enhancing their Shalom Bayis is considerable,] for it is known that in matters such as these special assistance is granted from Above, since this [matter of bringing about Shalom Bayis] is among those matters that one "enjoys the fruits in this world, while the principal reward comes in the World to Come...."[4]
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVIII, p. 235)
... You write about the situation regarding
Shalom Bayis, etc., that it is in need of improvement:
In many instances this comes as a result of improper closeness (which is to say, [a closeness] that is not permitted according to our Torah, the Torah of Life).
Repentance, however, is efficacious - complete regret for past behavior and proper resolutions for the future, and actually behaving in a manner consonant with those resolutions.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XX, p. 108)
... In quite a few instances, situations such as these [i.e., problems with Shalom Bayis] result from improper closeness - [closeness] during those times that this closeness is not permitted according to our Torah, the Torah of Life.
Since at times this may be the result of an incomplete knowledge of all the laws [relating to Taharas Hamishpachah], therefore you and your husband should clarify these laws from a rabbi who regularly adjudicates matters of Jewish law.
You should do so with the intent of conducting yourself in the proper manner from here on. And "There is nothing that stands in the way of one's will."[5]
It would also be appropriate that you check the mezuzos in your residence, that they be fit according to Jewish law, and that you observe the fine custom of upstanding Jewish daughters - that of giving tzedakah prior to candle lighting on the eve of every Shabbos and Yom Tov.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XXIV, p. 117)
I received your letter dated Kislev 17, with the attached
Pidyon Nefesh for Mrs. ... for [improved]
Shalom Bayis. When I will be at the holy resting site of my father-in-law, the Rebbe, I will pray for her for the above.
You do not write any details about her. I therefore hope that she is conducting a Jewish home, and I merely wish to encourage her that at the earliest possible opportunity she checks the mezuzos in her residence, and that prior to candle lighting on the eve of every Shabbos and Yom Tov she give charity to the Tzedakah of Rabbi Meir Baal HaNes.
[Their Shalom Bayis will be enhanced] in particular, when they will come to the realization and resolution that at times one must acquiesce [to the desires of the other]. This minimal action can accomplish very much.
She will then speedily be able to relay glad tidings that the Shalom Bayis situation is improving.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. V, p. 81)
In reply to your letter ... in which you write that you are a mother to six children and that there is strife in the household; also, quite often the health of your family is not as it should be, etc.:
In situations such as these, it is necessary to first and foremost be scrupulous and meticulous in the observance of the mitzvah of Taharas Hamishpachah (niddah, the days of hefsek and taharah; a kosher mikveh, and the like).
The mezuzos in the home should be checked to assure that they are all kosher, and your husband should check his tefillin. You should give some coins to tzedakah prior to candle lighting on the eve of every Shabbos and Yom Tov, and your husband should similarly give tzedakah at least on Mondays and Thursdays, prior to prayer.
The two of you should also verify whether your shidduch with each other did not wound the pride of any Jewish young man or woman (that is to say, that either of you were engaged to someone else and then pulled out of the shidduch).
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. X, p. 110)
Notes:
- (Back to text) Printed in Beis Moshiach Magazine (together with a facsimile of the Rebbe's holy handwritten response), Issue 287.
- (Back to text) Yirmeyahu 2:19.
- (Back to text) See Avodah Zarah 35a and the commentary of Rashi on the words, "Divrei Dodecha." See also Eruvin 21b.
- (Back to text) Shabbos 127a.
- (Back to text) See Zohar, Vol. II, p. 162b.
The Role and Non-Role of Rabbis, Friends and Relatives In Achieving Shalom Bayis