(From a lecture series on Tznius sponsored by the N'shei Chabad English Division, 17 Sivan 5751)
I have a confession to make... Usually when someone is invited to speak, they are expert on that subject. But I admit that this is not the case tonight. I was not invited as a role model of
tznius (modesty), but rather so that, collectively, we can all be inspired to be more careful in this mitzvah.
The topic tonight, modesty and yichud (what is permitted or forbidden when one is alone with a member of the opposite sex) in thought, speech, and behavior, is divided into two distinct parts: 1) The laws of yichud; 2) Modesty in thought, speech, and behavior. I strongly advise you to take notes for the first part -- for the sake of accuracy and for remembering. I am not here to lay down the law, or make halachic rulings. Please consult your Rav for rulings in specific cases.
The laws of
yichud were given to us to absolutely prevent us from getting involved in forbidden relationships, and they must be observed exactly. Sometimes we might think the restrictions are quite extreme but those that know the statistics regarding incest, illegitimate births, rape and adultery in the secular community will understand that Hashem, who implanted those powerful urges within us, also gave us the means to temper them and deal with them.
This week I was in the Kupat Cholim health clinic, and I happened to notice a pamphlet entitled, "Protecting Yourself from AIDS." As I read it, I became permeated with a feeling of gratitude to Hashem. The pamphlet went into extreme detail about the ways AIDS is transmitted -- the majority of which involve major transgressions of Torah law. The pamphlet mentioned that at least 5,000 Israelis are already sick with this horrible terminal illness. The thing that struck me so dramatically about this pamphlet (particularly since I had already done some preparation for this talk) was that nowhere did it hint at the advice to avoid physical contact with members of the opposite sex. Rather, the pamphlet urged people to equip themselves with devices so that they could continue these forbidden relationships without exposing themselves to the AIDS virus. When I put down the pamphlet I felt nauseated thinking that Yidden in Eretz Yisrael couldn't even bring themselves to hint to other Jews that were they to observe the laws of yichud, not only would the overwhelming majority of these 5,000 fatally ill people still be healthy physically, but they would also not bring upon themselves the emotional torment and guilt that these transgressions incur.
But, don't think for a minute, ladies, that the so-called non-observant population is the only group that needs these warnings...
Our sages were so wise when they said there is no guarantor for arayus (sexual matters). In matters of passion no one is 100% beyond temptation to do this violation.
Part of my talk is supposed to be about modesty in speech, so I too must be careful of the terminology I am using tonight. But I do feel that I must introduce the laws of yichud with a comment I heard from Rabbi Manis Friedman: "When a man and woman (other than a married couple) find themselves alone together, it is already a sexual event." This is a true and unexaggerated statement... So I will try to be as clear as possible in teaching a selected group of these laws, and I repeat, it is a wise idea to take notes....
The remaining time we have left I will devote to the second topic, which is, "modesty in thought, speech and behavior." Last week Malka Touger gave a most fascinating talk on
tznius in clothing, and actually that's what most people have in mind when they hear the word
tznius. That's fine because the way a person dresses is so important. However, there's a lot more to modesty than the length of sleeves or the kind of jewelry one wears.
Tznius has to do with a way of conducting oneself that is refined, almost aristocratic, since a Jewish woman is regarded as a princess, a
bas Melech.
Tznius means acting in a way that does not draw attention to oneself. It means thinking before speaking. It is really very difficult to educate an adult woman as to what is acceptable and what isn't, as far as modesty in speech and behavior is considered. The outside secular world is so opposite to the ideas of Torah, that if a person has not cultivated a sense of general modesty and tznius in her youth it becomes difficult to retrain and relearn later on. Most of us grew up in societies that prized "saying it like it is," asserting oneself at all times, being blunt and frank. In Yiddishkeit, however, it has always been a virtue to speak about delicate and intimate matters in a modest way.
Around the time I was a kallah, someone mentioned to me that it was not proper for the chosson and kallah to discuss the setting of the wedding date because this necessitated taking into account the kallah's monthly cycle -- certainly not a very discreet subject for a young unmarried man and woman to be discussing at this period in their lives. I know a Chossid who grew up in Me'ah She'arim who once mentioned to me that when he was a child, no one ever referred to a "slip" (kleidel in the Yiddish original -- ed.), for who could ever talk about an article of women's clothing? It is interesting to note that in the Gemora, and books of Halachah, the reproductive organs do not have precise terms. Rather, all are referred to by poetic euphemisms. In our era -- it's hard to maintain this level of aidelkeit (refinement) -- but we must try!!
Serving Hashem is referred to as "avodah (literally, labor) for a good reason!! Someone once commented that kashrus goes two ways. Not only what we put into our mouths, but what comes out of our mouths must also be kosher! Our Sages say: "There is a small organ which a man possesses, which the more he feeds it, the hungrier it is, and the less he feeds it, the more satisfied it feels." (Sukkah 52b). The Rebbe said this also refers to speaking. The more one speaks about matters of sex, the more one wants to speak, and so the advice of the Torah is simply to reduce the stimulants and this will have a beneficial effect on both thought and deed.
This means monitoring very carefully the books and magazines we allow into our homes and the programs we listen to on the radio. Our Sages explained that Hashem created fences around the mouth, eyes and ears. All of these organs have built-in guards so we can control what we see, listen to, and speak about. But it is our responsibility to be alert.
One good way of monitoring our speech, is to imagine that someone we admire greatly is overhearing our speech. As a matter of fact, we just learned in Pirkei Avos that a judge should cross-examine witnesses thoroughly -- the same applies to our senses which are witnesses to all that goes on around us. We should cross-examine them thoroughly. Our Sages point out that a number of verses in Tanach declare that the roof-beams of our houses and the stones in the walls will testify to a person's behavior when Mashiach comes. That should help us refine our speech somewhat.
And if we think speaking is harmless as long as we don't do anything wrong, let me introduce Shlomit bas Divri. The Torah tells us her name reveals that she was overly talkative (bas Divri from the word dibbur = talking), and said "Shalom" to one and all. This lady got into trouble and was the only Jewish woman in Mitzrayim that committed adultery. And it all started off with being careless and unselective about whom she spoke to.
Our generation is a reincarnation of the generation that went out of Mitzrayim. The Torah tells us that just as the Jews were released from Egypt in the merit of the righteous women, so will our generation be released from the final golus through the merit of women. The Rebbe has urged us to closely examine our observance of the laws of tznius in all of their aspects as a way of making ourselves worthy to greet Mashiach.
I'd like to end with two points. One is that we are not the first group of women to have to go against society. In Mitzrayim immorality was rampant, as Malka vividly described last week. Yet the Jewish women remained unaffected by their environment, and when they were leaving Egypt they remembered to take tambourines so that they would be able to drown out their singing voices when witnessing the miracles. So we have role models.
In conclusion -- in the early years of the Rebbe's leadership, one of the Rebbe's secretaries got an emergency call. Please could he put a note in to the Rebbe about some very urgent matter. Now, when the secretary went in to the Rebbe with a pile of correspondence and notes for the Rebbe, he did not notice that the small note written by this man had fallen out of the pile on to the floor. When the Rebbe stepped out of his office for minchah, he noticed the piece of paper lying on the floor, and bent down to pick it up. When the secretary apologized profusely for having been the cause of the Rebbe's bending down to pick up the note, the Rebbe said, "But is that not my job -- to pick things up, especially that which others overlook?" And this story, my dear friends, is what tznius is all about. We must not emulate the society we live in, but rather we must raise ourselves up and be willing to uphold those sacred eternal values that we received on our wedding day at Sinai, values which are, unfortunately, overlooked by our fellow Jews. And we must tell the world that modesty is not dead.
May our collective efforts in matters of tznius, and all areas of Yiddishkeit, honestly earn for us the praise, "They were redeemed through the merit of righteous women."
It is because the body itself is so holy that it must remain private and exclusive. The holier something is, the more private it must be. Even the
Kohen Gadol was allowed to enter the Holy of Holies only once a year.
Chassidus explains that a woman's body reveals the essence of G-d more than a man's body, since only she is able to bring forth new life into the world, emulating G-d's power of creation yesh mi-ayin, something from nothing.
In Torah, modesty and inwardness (pnimius) are central values. The opposite is true in the secular world.
Modest attire is an expression of spiritual modesty, "Hatzneah leches" (let your righteousness be discreet, between you and G-d). It is not due to shame.
A woman who argues that she is "liberated," i.e. free to display her body and her intimate relationships openly, essentially states that she is nothing more than her body. "Look at me. This is who I am." She shows less sensitivity to herself than a modest woman.
Modesty is not only the way you dress, it is also the way you speak, it is the way you relate to others on a personal level, it is also the way you express your emotions.
Modesty is related to our own self image. Who and what am I? My body is not the essential me, but an integral part of holiness, Jewish holiness.
When Having It All is not Enough -- Women in Yiddishkeit